Domestic Violence (Download a pdf version of this fact sheet) Women from all walks of life experience violence and abuse from people they know. They do not ask to be abused. Nor do they deserve it. No one does. Regardless of the situation, nobody has the right to use violence as a means of control or for relieving personal frustrations. In the vast majority of cases, men are the perpetrators of domestic violence although it also occurs in same sex relationships. In every case, responsibility for the violence rests entirely with the perpetrator. And if it involves physical or sexual assault, threat of assault, or stalking, it is a crime, punishable by law. What is domestic violence? Domestic violence is not just about broken bones and bruises. It includes verbal, emotional, financial, sexual and physical abuse. In fact, any behaviour that physically or mentally hurts you or makes you scared of being harmed is a form of violence. Verbal and emotional Behaviour that makes you feel bad about yourself such as criticising your appearance or personality, insulting you in public, name calling, refusing to let you see your family and friends, and threatening to hurt you, a pet or those close to you. Financial Controlling and withholding money, not letting you earn your own money, or leaving you without enough money for basic items. Sexual Forcing sexual behaviour on you that is unwelcome, painful or humiliating. This includes rape and incest. Physical Pushing, punching, hair pulling, poking, biting, hitting, burning, using weapons such as guns or knives, and destroying property and things you value. Stalking Like physical or sexual abuse (threatened or actual), stalking is a criminal act. It includes anyone who harasses or threatens you either by following you, contacting you by telephone, email or fax, loitering near your home, work or any other place, keeping you under surveillance, or interfering with your property. Commonly held myths These are some of the most common myths about domestic violence. Men are naturally more aggressive and less able to control their impulses. It's quite reasonable for a man to use force to exert control over his family. It's my fault because I'm annoying and a nag. Women who are victims of domestic violence like being hurt. Domestic violence is most common in families on low incomes. He hits me but he's good to the kids. Alcohol is the main cause of domestic violence. Friends and neighbours don't want to get involved because it is a `private', family matter. And the reality... The majority of men and women are able to maintain relationships without using violence against their partners. 23% of women who have been married or in a de facto relationship have experienced violence. Studies show that verbal conflict which precedes violent behaviour is usually started by the perpetrator, not by the victim. Women usually do everything they can to calm down their partners to avoid violence. Even though alcohol is often the trigger for violent behaviour, it is not the cause of domestic violence and is never an acceptable excuse. Research shows that domestic violence occurs in all classes although middle class women are less likely to seek assistance because of the fear of embarrassment. There are many reasons why women stay in violent relationships but it is never because they enjoy the abuse. No woman ever asks to be assaulted or abused. Children who are exposed to domestic violence are at risk in their later relationships. Boys are more likely to be abusive to their partners, girls are more likely to be abused. Domestic violence is a crime, punishable by law. It is not a `private', family matter which should be suffered in silence. Domestic Violence and Children Many children who witness domestic violence live in a permanent state of fear, which can have serious long-term effects. These children often feel responsible for the violence and try to make things easier for their mothers by not saying how they feel. Others act out, become depressed or aggressive, and may have difficulty relating to their peers. Children need to know that they are not forgotten, and reassured that feeling frightened, angry and confused is quite normal in this situation. It's important to try and talk to your children and explain that the violence is not their fault. While it can be difficult and frightening to take action against domestic violence, you and your children will feel safer, stronger and more in control when you do. What can I do to protect myself It is important to think about what you currently do to avoid violence. Whether you realise it or not you will already be using a whole range of strategies that help you to protect yourself and others. You need to recognise this and consider what is effective and what isn't. Because despite how you may feel sometimes, you are not totally powerless. Many women who live with violence use very practical survival skills to make themselves feel safe. Being able to recognise your situation, acknowledge your ability to reduce and avoid violence and your efforts to gain support are key steps to change. It can help to talk to trusted friends, family and others about what is happening even though it may be difficult and embarrassing. You might be surprised to find that they are more than willing to offer you support. Exploring your options with professionals trained in the area of domestic violence may also help. These workers can offer practical and emotional support and advice while you work out what you want to do. Getting legal advice so you are clear about the full range of options available to you is a good idea ­ even if you choose not to take legal action. Some practical steps to take if you feel threatened Think about what you would normally do to protect yourself. Ask yourself when you are more at risk (for example when your partner has been drinking). Develop an emergency plan of action. Think about who you can call if things get really bad, where you can go that will be safe and how you can make sure your plan stays secret. Make sure you have access to money. Carry the phone numbers of people you trust, as well as emergency numbers at all times. Call the police (dial 000) and ask them to record your complaint or apply for an intervention order on your behalf. Apply for an intervention order from a Magistrates' Court. Keep a diary of the violence. Talk to people and gather information about your options and the support available. Leaving Remember it's important to try and take all your important personal documents with you, including three forms of identification. Here is a quick reference list. Passport Birth certificate Bank books, ATM and credit cards Bank statements Tax records Driver's licence and car registration Marriage certificate Health care cards Titles of ownership and property deeds Rental agreements Wills Insurance policies For a more comprehensive list see the WIRE information sheet, Separation ­ Leaving a Relationship. If you don't feel safe to return home alone, the Victoria Police may accompany you to collect the belongings you've left behind. Where can I go? Women's refuges are safe places in secret locations that offer accommodation for a short period. Because of security, moving to a refuge can mean women will have to give up or change jobs and schools, and move away from areas where family and friends live. For more information about refuges contact the Women's Domestic Violence Crisis Service of Victoria. For long-term housing, private rental is often the best option. Women leaving domestic violence can often apply for priority on public housing waiting lists. Ask a domestic violence or housing worker about how to apply and likely waiting times. For more information about housing options see the WIRE information sheet Separation ­ Leaving a Relationship. Can I get my partner to change? Many women try to make changes in their relationships to reduce the fear and stress. But for change to occur both partners need to work on the relationship. If the perpetrator of the abuse fails to recognise the effects of their behaviour and take responsibility, then change is unlikely. Staying in the Relationship Many women decide, for a whole range of reasons, that remaining with an abusive partner is the best choice open to them. If you are in this situation it does not mean that you must resign yourself to the violence or that you need to remain silent and alone. Having supporting relationships with others and finding ways to develop a fulfilling life for yourself is very important, regardless of your circumstances. The police can help An intervention order is a court order designed to protect you, and if necessary your children, from another person's threatening behaviour. For more information about how and when to apply for an intervention order see WIRE information sheet Getting Legal Advice. The Victoria Law Foundation has also produced a booklet entitled Applying for an Intervention Order which is available through Victoria Legal Aid. The police can help Assaults, threatening behaviour and stalking are serious criminal matters that should be reported to the police. Police have the power to arrest and charge the offender, search for and remove weapons, and apply for an intervention order on your behalf. Some police are more skilled than others at dealing with domestic violence. If you do not think your concerns are being taken seriously, ask to speak to a more senior officer, or return with a support person. Getting Legal Advice For information about your legal options see WIRE information sheet Getting Legal Advice. Where do I go for help? WIRE Community legal centres Domestic Violence Outreach Services Women's Domestic Violence Crisis Service of Victoria Family Court Legal-on-line Melbourne Magistrates Court Relationship and mediation services Self-help and mutual support groups Victims of Crime Assistance Tribunals Victims Referral & Assistance Service Victoria Legal Aid Women's Legal Service Court Network Victoria Police Contact WIRE For information, support and an up-to-date contact list of the services available: Phone 1300 134 130 for the cost of a local call, or 13 36 77 (National Relay Service for hearing impaired women) Drop in to the Women's Information Centre on the Ground Floor, Queen Victoria Women's Centre, 210 Lonsdale St, Melbourne Email us at inforequests@wire.org.au References You & Family Law, Victoria Legal Aid, 2000 Domestic Violence & Incest Resource Centre information sheets Australian Bureau of Statistics, Australian Social Trends, 1999 Applying for an Intervention Order, Victoria Law Foundation and Victoria Legal Aid, 2000 Violence Against Women: What can I do?, Victorian Community Council against Violence, 1999 The production of these sheets was made possible with a grant from the Law Foundation. Every effort has been made to ensure the information contained in this sheet is accurate and current at the time of printing. However, no responsibility will be taken for the accuracy or reliability of the information, or for any loss which may arise from errors, omissions, or changes to government policy or the law.

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